Note: private note, no spelling and grammar, formatting, correctness, reasoning, sources, objectivness, etc …
My art is like light in the darkness. I am a loving human. Looking at death and knowing it’s present at any time at any place, that grounds me. It teaches me, life time is valuable at every moment. I remember death is everywhere.
Dancing towards my fear.
I close my eyes and I imagine the most horrible place and situation I can imagine. I imagine a situation that scares the shit out of me. I will not tell you what my visions are. These are my individual secrets. My visions told me: don’t mess with the terrifying nature of life. There are things you don’t want to experience. Things that are experienced by other humans right now. People for whom your nightmare right now, is reality. But i can do a little bit of dealing with fear.
I put on some music, then imagine something that terrifies me. My challenge is: Can I find the little spot within myself, which is untouchable from any external influences and circumstances, so i am able have a “party” there all by myself, completely alone while I am walkin towards my fear?
It takes a while but it works. And a while can mean 20 years in my case. This is not easy if I haven’t done my homework. If I didn’t live my life from the heart according to my passion and my human design. I can’t do that, if I have to many unanswered questions. The questions will glue me to the outside world and I can not pull myself away to go deep inwards to that safe space I mentioned above.
These questions are coming from my heart: Did I risk to do what had made me happy? Did i dare to open my heart and risk the danger of getting hurt? Did I risk to follow my passion? Did I speak the truth?
These questions want to be answered. I can leave them unanswered and ignore them, but they will stay alive inside me, affecting my life every day subconsciously.
The serious thing about that is: It’s my heart that has this questions and that will keep me away from living in peace and expressing love. I can’t touch my heart anymore, because these questions are living there. I have to run away from them for the rest of my life. I will never be able to rest again and be still and scilent, because then the questions are haunting me from inside out. These questions will chase me and torture me as long as they stay unanswered.
I can only dance in fear, if I have no questions. And if I can’t dance in fear, I will never experience that true, deep, power that actually dancing has.
But! This can turn into something that can destroy my life, if I get addicted to the power I get when I do this. Dancing with death gives me power because it takes away my fear of death. If I am not careful, a death spiral begins. I love the feeling to be in power and dancing with the death will give me that. It’s like a drug. It awakens the “dragon” in me, which carries the power with it. If the dragon is behind my eyes, I will become sexually attractive, charismatic and fascinating to other people. My mind will be so brilliant and I will perform anything on the highest level. When people see me they will be fascinated by my appearence because something powerful inside me triggers something powerful inside them.
The problem is that the dragon cant distinguish what is holy and what not. The dragon doen’t love. It’s a killer, driven by hunger. The dragon is very clear in its perception and super intelligent, but it doens’t express it’s heart. Dragons eat their own children.
I have to pay a high price for the freedom i get from this everytime, because I become, what I was afraid of. If I let the dragon energy express itself, I get power, wealth and status, and I will wake up in a world where everything which was holy to me is either destroyed or eaten up.